It's Official...
Don't get excited. Usually you hear "It's official, so and so are getting married..." or "It's official, Gweneth and Chris had a baby boy named Moses..." Not so much for me. It's official, I am going to hell in a Michael Kors handbag. The other night I decided that I was going to be a nag. I have come to the direct conclusion that one reason I like my friends are because they are available to hang out and do fun things that I feel like doing. If I were to call up a friend and say "Hey, wanna go to dinner tonite?" 7 times out of 10 they are going to say yes- which I love. Everyone's time is precious. It's hard to make plans, and being spontaneous is a wonderful innate quality. I usually pride myself on my spontaneity, however, lately I have become a terrible person- a plan making nag.
Now, I can't say I am not a planner. I like to have everything planned out for the week on my Bosland's Blotter so that I can get a general scope of how the week looks. I try to squeeze in moments of fun when I feel the urge. I guess I plan my spontaneity. Which is how I may have placed myself in the biggest pickle of my life- no, not really. Which is how I may have gotten myself the one-way ticket to h-e-double hockey sticks.
Sunday night, after a date cut short due to approaching Sopranos timeslot, I asked "Fun and Directionless" (who is still around, btw, but I am close to messing it up- Don't give up on me!) if he wanted to hang out on Good Friday because I have off and he works nights. Now, I am Catholic but not really Catholic. I mean, the parents made me attend CCD forever (skipping 6th grade because my mom didn't like the teacher. Who does that?) I did the Communion/Confirmation thing. The only thing keeping me from eating meat on Friday is the disparaging looks from my ridonkulously Catholic colleagues when I consider ordering a hamburger at the diner. My mom and I always say "If eating meat keeps me out of Heaven, then I don't want to be there..." Well, apparently due to my lack of sensitivity it escaped my attention that Good Friday was like a Super Duper Catholic "Can't Hang Out With You" Day and I was crazy to think that I might be able to have lunch or something with this fun, directionless boy. Did I miss this when Carol pulled me out of Holy Trinity in sixth grade? Was there a lesson on what you can and can't do on Good Friday and a big no-no was to go on a playdate with Joy?
So after my initial rejection, I began nagging. I knew I was doing it. I just couldn't stop. I could sense how naggy and needy I was coming across and I just kept on. Nag. Nag. Nag. It was like nagging was my crack. (As opposed to butter being my three year old niece's crack- haha.) I received a text saying "I can't hang out Friday because I have to go to church at 3." Church? Huh? What is that your other girlfriend's name? Because I am from the 'Sack and I went to school with people with a lot of weird names and let me tell you, Church was never one of them! To which I responded "That's really not fair. You can't use Jesus as an excuse! C'mon!!! Isn't there an am mass?"
Yeah, word to the wise, apparently Jesus hung on the cross for our sins between the hours of 12 and 3 pm and the Stations of the Cross masses are always at 3 pm. "Is there an am mass?" Real good, Joy. Sure, we'll reschedule the persecution of Jesus for you, Joy, so you can have your date with someone you're already hanging out with on Thursday night(which I am surprised is actually happening... I mean, don't people get their feet washed or something on Holy Thursday? Cause I am not washing anyone's feet on a date... Unless I am really really wasted... And then we need to schedule that intervention I talk so much about...) So, there you have it. I went to Sunday School for my entire youth, and yet I chastise a boy who is more devout about religion than taking me to Houlihan's and getting me all liquored up on Tangueray and Tonics. And I made him apologize to me.
Now, I just have to pick out the Michael Kors handbag that I want to arrive at Hell in. Maybe there will be a nice Good Friday sale or something...
OMG, this is sick. No wonder my mom pulled me out of CCD. And this is for kids!!!
Crazy Religious Poetry
Now, I can't say I am not a planner. I like to have everything planned out for the week on my Bosland's Blotter so that I can get a general scope of how the week looks. I try to squeeze in moments of fun when I feel the urge. I guess I plan my spontaneity. Which is how I may have placed myself in the biggest pickle of my life- no, not really. Which is how I may have gotten myself the one-way ticket to h-e-double hockey sticks.
Sunday night, after a date cut short due to approaching Sopranos timeslot, I asked "Fun and Directionless" (who is still around, btw, but I am close to messing it up- Don't give up on me!) if he wanted to hang out on Good Friday because I have off and he works nights. Now, I am Catholic but not really Catholic. I mean, the parents made me attend CCD forever (skipping 6th grade because my mom didn't like the teacher. Who does that?) I did the Communion/Confirmation thing. The only thing keeping me from eating meat on Friday is the disparaging looks from my ridonkulously Catholic colleagues when I consider ordering a hamburger at the diner. My mom and I always say "If eating meat keeps me out of Heaven, then I don't want to be there..." Well, apparently due to my lack of sensitivity it escaped my attention that Good Friday was like a Super Duper Catholic "Can't Hang Out With You" Day and I was crazy to think that I might be able to have lunch or something with this fun, directionless boy. Did I miss this when Carol pulled me out of Holy Trinity in sixth grade? Was there a lesson on what you can and can't do on Good Friday and a big no-no was to go on a playdate with Joy?
So after my initial rejection, I began nagging. I knew I was doing it. I just couldn't stop. I could sense how naggy and needy I was coming across and I just kept on. Nag. Nag. Nag. It was like nagging was my crack. (As opposed to butter being my three year old niece's crack- haha.) I received a text saying "I can't hang out Friday because I have to go to church at 3." Church? Huh? What is that your other girlfriend's name? Because I am from the 'Sack and I went to school with people with a lot of weird names and let me tell you, Church was never one of them! To which I responded "That's really not fair. You can't use Jesus as an excuse! C'mon!!! Isn't there an am mass?"
Yeah, word to the wise, apparently Jesus hung on the cross for our sins between the hours of 12 and 3 pm and the Stations of the Cross masses are always at 3 pm. "Is there an am mass?" Real good, Joy. Sure, we'll reschedule the persecution of Jesus for you, Joy, so you can have your date with someone you're already hanging out with on Thursday night(which I am surprised is actually happening... I mean, don't people get their feet washed or something on Holy Thursday? Cause I am not washing anyone's feet on a date... Unless I am really really wasted... And then we need to schedule that intervention I talk so much about...) So, there you have it. I went to Sunday School for my entire youth, and yet I chastise a boy who is more devout about religion than taking me to Houlihan's and getting me all liquored up on Tangueray and Tonics. And I made him apologize to me.
Now, I just have to pick out the Michael Kors handbag that I want to arrive at Hell in. Maybe there will be a nice Good Friday sale or something...
The red will look great with the fiery flames of Hell!
OMG, this is sick. No wonder my mom pulled me out of CCD. And this is for kids!!!
Crazy Religious Poetry
posted by j-digs at 6:13 AM
1 Comments:
Catholicism is such a jaded religion. That's why I like it!:
"I am your priest! Stand up! Sit down! KNEEL! Stand up! Sit down! Kneel! GOOD Doggies! Come up and grab a sip of wine and a treat! and be Good!"- And the priest gave them a treat and he saw that it was good!
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